In my case it wasn't exactly this way since the last step was rather 'how do I stop thinking about him?' rather than 'how can I screw him over?' And so, the last link in this chain was, inevitably, sex. It's funny to see how people deal with emotional pain: some cry, some laugh untruthfully, some laugh genuinely, some stare at a wall....I decided to have sex. Through physical pleasure, I believed, I could get my mind off things.
So...out of all the hunky rebound guys, why did I have to choose one I could actually like? He was a complete stranger and, to be perfectly honest, I only wanted his body at first. I have had the occasional one night stand and only wanted that this time...Murphy you bastard. I've seen him again these last days and, go figure, I like him and he likes me. It sounds like something that would never happen, a mental cock-up between sex and emotion, and yet both the sexual and the emotional part are great.
I have always been a rationalist who argued logically that there could be no such thing as emotion from sex. I always said I thought we could and should separate physical from emotional attachment. Even Neruda described love as a great friendship with great sex. I argued that for a true attraction between two people to occur it had to be based on emotion, not physical urges. I thought that you could be that scientific about it, that you could truly argue that sex is sex and love is love. Unfortunately, I've fallen twice into the same trap. Something that seemed so simple and straightforward turned out to be completely the opposite. Not that I don't like it, it again goes back to an improbability factor and Murphy messing with our minds....'want a rebound guy? here you go.....p.s. you're gonna fall for him'
'Seize the day' is apparently this last month's motto. However, it's not as fun as it seems. Sure I'll enjoy the six days I have left until I leave, but that doesn't imply disregarding the consequences of my actions. Someone I truly love just asked me not to leave, crying, pleading...my little adventure is obviously harming more people than I originally expected. And so, with hundreds of questions unanswered in my mind, my sleep cycle upside down, and my friends away, I now not only have to deal with my own emotions regarding the subject but those of the people around me.
As I wrote back to this person, I wondered, was the fact that the person begged me not to leave a selfish thing to do or a loving act? When we say we want to 'break free' 'move on' 'leave the nest', do we realize that involves leaving many behind? What about them? Do they have the obligation to wave us good-bye and swallow their tears or should they consider our departure a wake-up call and show us how they truly feel?
I don't know if I'll live to regret my choices, I'm sure I will for some of them. The only thing I know is that up to this point I've loved every minute of the trip. I can't even guess where or how I'll be in a couple of years, nor can I do this for those around me; however, I can say that the moments I've lived with them until today will always be precious memories which I will never stop cherishing.
________________________
Leona Lewis - Yesterday
I just cant believe your gone,
still waiting for morning to come,
when I see if the sun will rise,
in the way that your by my side,
where we had so much in store,
tell me what is it I'm reaching for,
when we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
they can take the music that we'll never play,
all the broken dreams, take everything,
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday,
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go,
all the broken dreams take everything,
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
You always choose to stay,
You always choose to stay,
I should be thankful for everyday,
heaven knows what the future holds,
or least where the story goes,
or least where the story goes,
I never believed until now,
I know il see you again I'm sure,
no its not selfish to ask for more,
one more night, one more day
one more smile on your face
but they cant take yesterday,
I thought our days would last forever,
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
they can take the music that we'll never play,
all the broken dreams, take everything,
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday,
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go,
all the broken dreams take everything,
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
but it wasn't our destiny,
'cause in my mind we had so much time,
but I was so wrong,
no I can, believe me,
I can still find the strength
in the moments we made
im lookin back on yesterday
im lookin back on yesterday
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made,
they can take the music that we'll never play,
all the broken dreams, take everything,
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday,
they can take the future that we'll never know
they can take the places that we said we will go,
all the broken dreams take everything,
just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
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